The less I have the better.

The less I have

The more full I feel.

 

The less I have…

The more I do…more I live.

 

I am starting to learn..

What love really is

.

.

.

Just bare necessities man

Bare necessities.

I don’t need this

And they say love is greed,

Not real love!

It’s anything but!

Real love..

Gives real value..

To real things.

And let’s start…

With what we really need…

It’s becoming easier for me to see, now

What I really need.

Because when I have nothing, I have something

I have something..much more (than I had before)

And that something..is a sense of purpose and direction

And the questions that are important…

Won’t leave me.

And I grateful than ever

(to be here)

To have “nothing”

Because things… don’t mean a thing

And I am starting to see

What something means.

“Love lessens”

Love “lessens” (decreases) and we learn (lessons) …but we… have to FALL.. really… before we can… get ANYWHERE.

So, ……………..

Do I believe in soulmates? or “one true love,” (like I used to?) yes, still (soulmates) but “one true love?” nah man, it doesn’t work that way. we come across and love many people in our lives and we learn something from each of them (and they from us). Sometimes it takes time (to really understand.. why.. why it didn’t work, why… it did! or why… it even happened)… but it just happens! (and it doesn’t “just happen,” it all happens for a reason!) We’re making history! We’re time traveling! We’re “in control” and “not in control” at the same time! We can’t explain it! It just IZZZ. and I will let the mystery be: )

I am done fighting, I am done… “holding on.”

Life is a flux, but I’m wiser now  (and “growing old” fast)

Love,

Aekta.

“Love will always save your soul.” ~GROUPLOVE/no longer afraid of crying “in front of people”

I haven’t had a good cry in a while. I just did tonight (and a few nights before). Tonight… it was out of the beauty of a movie called “A Little Prince,” and all the connections that made sense in my brain from watching it.

A few nights ago, it was grieving over… my first love.. I’ve talked enough about him (embarassingly enough) about him.. on this blog.. but.. that cry.. a few nights ago.. was a … “I am actually letting go” cry. I don’t think.. the love and connection will ever be gone… but… people need breaks sometimes.

*deep breath*

Anyway, I don’t know why I .. made this blog private… I am feeling.. very “protective of myself” recently.. I guess that’s normal (from being hurt).. but I’ll start to come out.. again.. brighter.. brighter than I was before.. I was “tamed,” and then.. “hurt,”… because… every single thing happens for a reason.. and only time will tell the story…

okay, enough.. “sappy” “don’t stop believing-ness”

Let me just say I HAVE GROWN SO MUCH!

and I can see myself getting / reaching greater heights ^^  )

“Love will save your soul, always” ~GROUPLOVE.

I CAN’T WAIT! for the … amazingness of this … I was going to say “last,” (semester).. but who knows? I’m gonna stop trying to “plan” my life…

I’m just going to take it one day.. at a time… and still achieve everything I want to achieve.. because I have good friends…good family.. and the beautiful mystery of the… love (we can’t pin down) … of this universe.. with me.. and (with you too).. always.

FEELING GRATEFUL!

Love,

Aekta.

On good luck and “bad luck” 

It’s getting weird; the older I get, the weirder life gets. Details… Not yet gonna share… But… You think that you’re done with drama..and then you get caught up in a new one. People, you can’t escape them. You think you know someone, but you know how you want them to be… Not who they actually are. Connections… The authentic ones ? Do they actually stay? Do they come around? Or does it take time… And effort.. And commitment.. To get to know someone? I think… Life is teaching me that… You really don’t know … Anything… As soon as you think you know something… Something new hits..its just wisdom, building up. Experiences, building up. 

Always a misfit…always… Finding other misfits… It’s a circle..of misfits. Pi don’t know what’s “right” and “wrong” anymore. I have always believed nothing is black and white…and NOW.. I believe it more than ever. And it’s a liberating feeling. We’re all sinners (if you look at it religously) and I’ve stopped giving a fuck. Good people just get hurt. Everyone’s watching out for themselves…and… I think the most honest advice I can give anyone right now..is to ..watch out for themselves… And everything will fall in place. Trying to be “nice,” just… Puts you in a rut. 

“We accept the love we think we deserve,” until we realize we deserve better…and then we start to love ourselves.. And turst that .. “God,” “a higher power,” “fat” will take care of the rest. Here’s to moving on! And “growing up.” I can’t wait till…I move… And I’ll always be moving..from one place to another. 

#seekingthetruth #acceptingmydarkness #embracingmyotherside 

Reflecting mindfully on an ended.. Or “paused” relationship 

So my best friend and (the person… I grew a strong attachment too/thought it was love)..broke up. It all happened…very dramatically…it wasn’t well thought out; it was emotional reaction…I am trying to re-analyze everything (and he’s probably doing the same). He…has made me want to become a better person. I feel like I don’t deserve him. Sometimes, I feel like… He feels the same way about me (based on… Things he has said..indirectly). He feels he can’t give me… Enough. He says I always want more…but he HAS given me enough…Enough to… Push me to be better. Isn’t that enough? Yes, I asked for more of his time…quality time, face-to-face time…which he… Said he couldn’t give because I admitted I still had feelings for him (and he’s daring someone now) and wants to respect her…and… I told him I respect that…but…I couldn’t stop texting him. He never blocked me…though I blocked him from everything I could…so as to help me to stop messaging him. I memorized his number in case I ever needed to reach him…though I blocked him.. On my phone first… But then felt like I needed to say more… I just saved his number again, today…in case he ever texts me…but I have to learn… To keep distance and respect space… Without cutting someone of entirely… 

And it’s so hard not to text him…I began to rely on him…because..he is such a great friend…and he’s the counselor type (like me)… And I’ve been in rough places the past two … Years… But I’m ready to… Respect myself… Heal on my own.. And respect him.. And his needs… It hurts..a lot… That it had to come to Sucharski dramatic kind of situation for me to take things more seriously…and in my own hands… But… Sometimes.. That seeming “harshness,” is what we need to.. See how we need to improve. 

Here’s to…always trying to be better… And accepting things as they are.. And appreciating adversary. 

Mindful check in: troubled, pain, determined, hopeful. 

Finally standing up for myself

Feels empowering to finally .. let go.. and stand up for myself. I deserve so much better.. than the way I’ve been treated. I can’t blame anyone but myself.. but if there’s ever .. “another chance,” I KNOW.. I’m not the one making the plans. Sorry, no, NOT SORRY. I’m not gonna apologize for my rage.. with .. men’s stupidity. Thanks to all the .. “nice guys” still out there. I don’t know what else to say… but phew.. I think I’ll be alone for a while. I’m probably better off that way.

the middle girl, the “friend,” the rebound

the middle girl, the “friend,” the rebound

I’m on my own here, at least I’m on solid ground

at least I can find my way back.. on my own.. onto solid ground

 

truth be told, I never “belonged” to anyone (but I let myself get tamed)

but stories unfold, each prick by prick, each game..by game

who is there to blame?

I can only blame myself

why I did listen? why did i care? why did i fall? for that puppy-dog stare

“save me,” “save me,” your eyes cried like you just lost the world

and me.. “a savior,” didn’t know I needed saving myself.. until I let myself go

I let go, I learned to let go

I learned to be patient

I learned “self-control,”

I learned that nothing lasts

I learned that people are haunted by their pasts

I learned.. I learned

never going back.. unless you turn EVERYTHING around

good luck with that

but I am holding my ground

just a rebound (like I always was)

to you, to him, and to the other one before

no one’s saving me here.. and I am done “saving” anyone.. anymore

take care of yourself

and I’ll do the same

wounded warriors.. got no one to blame

(you shouldn’t have gone to war)

but I fell for those scars (and you fell for mine)

somehow.. i can still see the sun shine

through all this haze and confusion

all this love.. or illusion

and yet I hope.. we see each other.. on the other side

 

the middle girl, the “friend,” the rebound

I’m on my own here, at least I’m on solid ground

at least I can find my way back.. on my own.. onto solid ground

 

careful what you take for granted

careful with who your’e romantic

careful.. be careful; she’ll break your heart

and I said I would be here (and I’ll be here)

but I am here.. falling apart

true friends… what did you show me?

that friendships come and go?

and.. you.. who I worshiped turned out to be such a big.. big phony..

i know it hurts to hear this

and you’d rather shut me out

you can try to blame it on me

but please.. just.. hear me out

listen to yourself!

did you ever listen to yourself?!

no, you just jumped around

girl to girl.. never on your own.. solid ground

and when .. that girl came around.. who wanted to say?

you let her get away

thank you.. for trying to save me

but your lack of commitment has made me

believe in you, or him, or anyone else.. for a while.. no more

so I’ll just go save myself here

I think this is best here

and I hope.. you’ll find the light.. on your own.. once more.

 

the middle girl, the “friend,” the rebound

I’m on my own here, at least I’m on solid ground

at least I can find my way back.. on my own.. onto solid ground

On teaching

Experience is the best teacher. To continue to love after being hurt is the best way. To look within after a break up is the healthiest remedy (alongside laughter). Time heals all wounds. Breaks are important, especially in relationships.. and sometimes the most important ones. True love lasts any kind of test, but a test.. is important.. You never know how it hits you. Everything is predestined (free-will is an illusion).

with L.O.V.E (Letting go, Openness, Vision, Eternal)..

P.S: before you can become more “enlightened,” or feel happier, you must go through all sorts of weird circumstances.. and face your demons. (speaking from experience, IN experience..RIGHT NOW.)

Peace! *Hold your head up*

Aekta.